


forgive me father, I have no sins, they belong to other people

by tigerlo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: A slight touch onto Charity's past because I can't help myself, F/F, Pillow talk with a side of flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 11:45:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15840627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: Vanessa and Charity in bed, post theirgirlfriendchat.





	forgive me father, I have no sins, they belong to other people

**Author's Note:**

> I find it a lot of fun digging into the earlier aspects of their relationship and here's one from my google drive that I thought I'd drag out to see the light of day, even though it's only short.
> 
> There are a few other little vanity minifics on my [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com) that aren't here on ao3 if you're so inclined. 
> 
> x

-

 

It’s quiet, here, in the middle of the night, the moonlight on Charity’s pillow falling around her head like a crown.

 

Vanessa doesn’t think she’s ever looked more a queen, neither.

 

The sheet is pooled around her body like a fine drop of silk, slipping when she turns to face Vanessa, not pausing for a second at the nakedness it reveals. _Selene_ , Vanessa thinks as Charity moves. _Of the moon_. Of the shadow, not of light.

 

“You’re staring,” Charity says, the hint of a smile on her lips.

 

“So what if I am,” Vanessa shrugs. “You’re my girlfriend now, aren’t you?”

 

The house is quiet around them, too, the wood occasionally breathing with a creak in the darkness, and Charity’s acceptance of her new mantle thick and warm around the room breathing with them, too.

 

“I don’t think anybody’s wanted me to be their girlfriend you know,” Charity admits, and Vanessa stills because they’re becoming more frequent these moments—where Charity feels safe enough in the dark to release small pieces of her past, hoping the shadows will soften them in a way that won’t drive Vanessa away.

 

Or using them, maybe, so that she doesn’t have to see Vanessa wince.

 

“Their wife, maybe, if not their whore,” Charity shrugs. “But only because they wanted to possess me. Because it’s easier to use someone when they're your property.”

 

She’s learned that Charity is more accepting of softness in the dark too. That Vanessa can give her kindness without being scoffed at.

 

“You know I don’t want that, don’t you?” Vanessa asks quietly. “You know I don’t want to control you, that I don’t want to use you. I just want you.”

 

“I know, Ness,” Charity breathes, closing her eyes as she does so and it’s so _soft_ it makes Vanessa want to cry.

 

She reaches for Vanessa’s hand with her eyes shut, pulling it to rest palm down over her heart and Vanessa closes her eyes too, drinking in the rare show of vulnerability, listening to Charity’s heartbeat proud and strong beneath her palm.

 

The darkness hasn’t always been kind to her, and she knows it hasn’t been kind to Charity either, but it is now.

 

“You’re the only one who hasn’t,” Charity says softly, and Vanessa isn’t sure if she’s talking to her or whether Charity’s talking to herself, trying to convince herself of the fact.

 

Vanessa wants to do something, to draw her into an embrace or kiss her senseless, until she forgets the past that this cruel world has given her, but there’s a calmness to the way she’s playing with Vanessa’s hand, running her fingertips along the bones in her hands that Vanessa doesn’t want to disrupt.

 

“I thought I might have lost you, you know?” Charity says and it’s so small that Vanessa almost misses it. “I was sure we’d be through. I couldn’t get to that bloody club fast enough, and all I could think about was that bird chatting you up, and how quickly you’d realise I wasn’t as good as that, or wasn’t as normal, and you’d chuck me the first opportunity you got.”

 

“There’s no such thing as normal,” Vanessa says, winding her fingers through Charity’s when she holds their hands palm to palm.

 

She means it as a compliment, and she thinks it’s taken as such when hears Charity huff out a wry little half-laugh next to her but she doesn’t say anything, even though Vanessa can almost hear her thinking, it’s so loud.

 

It becomes evident that Charity isn’t going to be the one to break their silence after a moment and she senses this isn’t the time to be stubborn, not with the fragility she can feel in Charity tonight, so she breathes deeply, and meets Charity on her side of the bed.

 

“Do you think I would really have met someone else?” Vanessa’s up on her elbow now, because she wants Charity to see the sincerity in her eyes.

 

“Yeah, well you were looking weren’t you?” Charity says moodily, but Vanessa can see proper hurt in her eyes now, and fear too. “All that ‘just making sure’ pish?”

 

And she had meant it, at the time, but her heart wasn’t in it, and she’s not even completely sure why she said it in the first place. To make Charity jealous maybe? To try and prove that she wasn’t hopelessly infatuated with Charity like she clearly wasn’t with Vanessa. To prompt her into revealing some claim over her.

 

“I wasn’t really,” Vanessa offers, looking to Charity a little sheepishly. “I think I was trying to show you I could do the casual thing so you wouldn’t think I was just fixed on you and chuck me because you thought I was too clingy. I didn’t want to make the same mistake I made at that bloody auction and assume. I’d rather see you casually than you not want to see me at all.”

 

“You would?” Charity asks quietly.

 

“What? Get to see you casually in place of nothing at all?” Vanessa asks with a frown and her stomach sinks when she realises that she’s done a bloody awful job of this if Charity isn’t even sure Vanessa wants to see her.

 

“Yeah,” Charity shrugs, as much as her position will allow, and Vanessa can see her trying for nonchalance but it’s a thin veil tonight.

 

Like she’s too tired to keep the facade up. Or for once, she doesn’t _want_ to.

 

“Course I would,” Vanessa replies, squeezing Charity’s grip in her own and she doesn’t miss the way Charity’s eyes close at the small gesture, savouring the drop of physical affection.

 

She’s not certain Charity is going to speak again, or if they’ve reached the limit on their feelings quota for the night, but then Charity rolls onto her side, facing Vanessa, dropping Vanessa’s hand in favour of closing it over Vanessa’s bare hip beneath the covers instead.

 

“So you didn’t like her better than me?” Charity asks quietly, and there’s a haughtiness in her voice that Vanessa knows she uses when she’s feeling insecure, and she smiles at being able to recognise it.

 

“She wasn’t all that up close if I’m honest,” Vanessa says casually, earning her a scowl before she closes in on what she really wanted to say. “I don’t think there’s anyone I like better than you at the moment, you know?”

 

She doesn’t get a response to that, but she wasn’t expecting one, and the look of amazement on Charity’s face tells her everything words would have anyway.

 

“Why would I ever want nothing when the alternative is you?” Vanessa says softly, running her thumb along the line of Charity’s jaw.

 

“I dunno, baggage and all that?” Charity replies casually, but she moves into Vanessa’s touch with an unmistakably soft exhale.

 

“I’ve got plenty of that myself,” Vanessa says, pushing a strand of Charity’s hair behind her ear. “Do you not want me because of mine?”

 

“A kid is hardly baggage, babe,” Charity returns cynically. “I’ve got three of them, haven’t I?”

 

She glares at Charity then, and Charity rolls her eyes in acknowledgement of the other parts of Vanessa’s history that she’s actually referring to, falling onto her back. She knows there’s more that Charity isn’t saying, she knows Charity has more demons in her closet than Vanessa even by some immense multitude even if she doesn’t know exactly what they are yet, and the strange thing is that she doesn’t mind what they are, the only thing she minds is maybe losing Charity to them.

 

She couldn’t bear that, she couldn’t bear it for a second, even though everyone in this gossipy village would tell her it’s for the best if Charity drifts away from her. No, she doesn’t want that at all.

 

At this point, she’s not sure even a murder confession —which, wouldn’t surprise her overmuch by the way— would be enough to push her away from Charity.

 

She’s head over bloody heels, and she can’t find it within herself to give a rats arse.

 

“No one ever picks me, you know,” Charity breathes just when Vanessa thinks she’s lost her to sleep, reaching blindly for Vanessa’s hand again.

 

She says it casually enough but it breaks Vanessa’s heart because she knows without a shadow of a doubt that a thing like that has been true for Charity’s _entire_ life.

 

“First time for everything, isn’t there?” Vanessa replies, moving over in the bed so she can slide her thigh between Charity’s.

 

“I suppose there is, isn’t there,” Charity breathes, and there’s something different, something like realisation in her voice then.

 

Charity looks at her then, _proper_ looks at her, and for a second every piece of illusion Charity has ever used to shroud herself in falls away between them like water, and Vanessa _sees_ Charity.

 

She sees the insecurity and anger and fear and hurt and fury and damage and pain but there’s something that glimmers like gold in a pan, too.

 

Hope, slim small _desperate_ hope. Affection. Softness. Gentility. And love. Vanessa can see the raw potential of it all there, drawn together, holding its breath in the form of a beautiful broken soul in her bed.

 

Charity exhales deeply and her eyes cloud over a little and the clarity blurs but it doesn’t matter, because Vanessa knows now. She knows how much it cost Charity, to give Vanessa that small glimpse of her heart, how brief a time she could hold it without the pain choking her. She knows how much it hurt her, and it almost makes Vanessa spill something that she thinks she’s known since Christmas.

 

She wants to say something, anything, to recognise Charity’s braveness, to say thank you for letting her in, but it sounds ridiculous every time she tries to form the right words in her head, so she speaks in another language she’s found fluency in with Charity.

 

Vanessa moves on top of Charity properly, straddling one of her thighs but staying low so they’re married, skin to skin, and she kisses her with as much tenderness as she can muster. She kisses Charity slowly, _deeply_ , in a way she’s almost certain Charity has never been kissed before.

 

Charity sighs when they part, content, relieved and it’s almost the loveliest noise she’s ever heard Charity utter, because it’s so unexpectedly soft.

 

“No more selfies with random drunk lesbians, alright?” Charity mumbles when they part, her hands sliding over Vanessa’s hips, settling over her lower back.

 

“Charity, why do you think I sent you them in the first place?” She asks, kissing the edge of Charity’s mouth, her jaw.

 

“I dunno,” Charity replies, closing her eyes and exposing the weakness of her neck to Vanessa’s lips. “To wind me up?”

 

“Because I wanted to make you jealous, you idiot,” Vanessa says, smiling against Charity’s pulse point. “Because I wanted you to come and get me.”

 

“It worked, didn’t it. I did,” Charity says, and Vanessa thinks she can hear the surprise in Charity’s voice, as true as her own when she’d turned and found Charity watching her across the club.

 

“Yeah, you did,” Vanessa affirms, leaning forward with the weight of her thigh against Charity as a reward, smiling at the groan it elicits in return. “I’m glad you did. I’m _very_ glad you did.”

 

“How glad,” Charity gasps, the tone desperate, _needy_ , when Vanessa sinks her teeth into Charity’s neck and her hand replaces her thigh, sliding against a waiting heat.

 

Charity craves confirmation from her, affirmation from her, even if she denies it until she’s blue in the face. Vanessa _knows_ she does. And Vanessa almost loves her for it.

 

Because to feel wanted by Charity Dingle is something else entirely, but to feel needed by her is a high Vanessa can’t even begin to explain.

 

Charity’s hands slide messily into Vanessa’s hair and she pushes against Vanessa’s hand, desperate for her touch, greedy for it.

 

“Show me how glad, Ness," Chariy sighs. " _Show_ me.”

  


-


End file.
